Good evening.
I'm starting University in three days. I am excited but still need to find a more permanent accommodation.
Aside from that hiccup I am raring to go!
The thought of meeting like-minded interesting people who will be studying the same as me makes me happy beyond belief!
Anyway, just an update.
I'll be back soon.
Wednesday 7 September 2011
Tuesday 19 April 2011
The L word
So I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months on Friday. It doesn't seem like a long time right? Hmm, well it felt like it to me. I know it was me that ended it but...
My feelings are just all over the place. Music doesn't help, looking on his Facebook and knowing he's looking at mine doesn't help. The fact that it was a long distance relationship helps a little.
But the worst thing is knowing you both still love each other but there's barriers you cannot move past, things that would never change. There's things between us that will always remain ingrained in my memories, but sometimes it's better to let things go? I don't know...
There are so many questions and pleading to make the pain stop won't work. There is no quick, simple fix. It's permanent anguish and lonely feelings, memories cropping up when you don't want them to, even just little words that remind you.
I have no illusions of what's next or any quick remedies.
The truth is love hurts. There's no quick cure, no instant redemption. It's a rough journey, but I hold out hope that it's worth staying the course. If it's out there, I'll find it.
Meanwhile it's sad angry songs, tears being held back through the good times and smiling even though I'm dying inside. All for the cause of saying "We're still friends because I just can't have you out of my life." Because this can work right... Right?
My feelings are just all over the place. Music doesn't help, looking on his Facebook and knowing he's looking at mine doesn't help. The fact that it was a long distance relationship helps a little.
But the worst thing is knowing you both still love each other but there's barriers you cannot move past, things that would never change. There's things between us that will always remain ingrained in my memories, but sometimes it's better to let things go? I don't know...
There are so many questions and pleading to make the pain stop won't work. There is no quick, simple fix. It's permanent anguish and lonely feelings, memories cropping up when you don't want them to, even just little words that remind you.
I have no illusions of what's next or any quick remedies.
The truth is love hurts. There's no quick cure, no instant redemption. It's a rough journey, but I hold out hope that it's worth staying the course. If it's out there, I'll find it.
Meanwhile it's sad angry songs, tears being held back through the good times and smiling even though I'm dying inside. All for the cause of saying "We're still friends because I just can't have you out of my life." Because this can work right... Right?
Monday 11 April 2011
Instant changes
Isn't it amazing how one event, one minute... One second can change months of belief?
That happened to me recently and no matter how hard I try; I cannot shake away the after thoughts.
The human mind is an amazing playground of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. But once an event has happened, no matter what fantasy you choose to cover up the pain or the realization - it just doesn't work.
So if you try and fail does it matter? Is your mind strong enough to over power the emotions evoked by a moment? Can one truely ever completely push something out of their mind?
The answer is; No. By nature human beings are dwellers. We are made what and who we are by the small moments that change our perspective.
Some examples;
Someone who knocks over a child because they were speeding - by that one moment - even if the child survives - they are altered forever.
Or a married couple - one spouse cheats - the other finds out - they (even if they move passed it) are also changed forever.
A young couple - together for a few months - they break up - for knowing that person, sharing small moments, then the sudden loss of something they believed in - they too are changed forever.
Life is full of small moments that have the ability to change the very foundations of who we are.
But what should we label them as? Mistakes? Misgivings?
No. They are learning curves that bend and curve our paths on the road to a better understanding of ourselves. Life is not a judgment passed - it is a lesson learned.
That happened to me recently and no matter how hard I try; I cannot shake away the after thoughts.
The human mind is an amazing playground of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. But once an event has happened, no matter what fantasy you choose to cover up the pain or the realization - it just doesn't work.
So if you try and fail does it matter? Is your mind strong enough to over power the emotions evoked by a moment? Can one truely ever completely push something out of their mind?
The answer is; No. By nature human beings are dwellers. We are made what and who we are by the small moments that change our perspective.
Some examples;
Someone who knocks over a child because they were speeding - by that one moment - even if the child survives - they are altered forever.
Or a married couple - one spouse cheats - the other finds out - they (even if they move passed it) are also changed forever.
A young couple - together for a few months - they break up - for knowing that person, sharing small moments, then the sudden loss of something they believed in - they too are changed forever.
Life is full of small moments that have the ability to change the very foundations of who we are.
But what should we label them as? Mistakes? Misgivings?
No. They are learning curves that bend and curve our paths on the road to a better understanding of ourselves. Life is not a judgment passed - it is a lesson learned.
Monday 21 March 2011
Boredom
Having spent the best part of this afternoon and evening in the company of multiple books and papers retaining to the subject of Bertold Brecht and Epic Theater and the shining glory of my MacBook - I am now bored.
With my writing well underway once more and my usual routine slowly blurring back into formation - I feel more of a sense of order returning to my world along with boredom.
I also feel the agony of my soul beginning to disrupt this peaceful existence and only a week after the show has finished!
Life is once again dull.
What to do, what to do... Perhaps cut off an ear? Blah too 1800's and not as entertaining as it may first appear.
Now having exhausted all possibilities I shall retreat onto the dark streets of a sleepy little English 'burb for an 1 am early morning run.
Farley well... For now...
With my writing well underway once more and my usual routine slowly blurring back into formation - I feel more of a sense of order returning to my world along with boredom.
I also feel the agony of my soul beginning to disrupt this peaceful existence and only a week after the show has finished!
Life is once again dull.
What to do, what to do... Perhaps cut off an ear? Blah too 1800's and not as entertaining as it may first appear.
Now having exhausted all possibilities I shall retreat onto the dark streets of a sleepy little English 'burb for an 1 am early morning run.
Farley well... For now...
Sunday 6 March 2011
The Fabiric of the Mind
So I'm in bed right now, typing away.
It occurs to me that my mind is different to everyone else's.
Everyone has their own image of what their mind is like.
Mine is like a dimly lit mansion, perfectly neat, many, many rooms. Each room has either a different set of thoughts and ideas where as others are filled with memories and fantasies. Each room has a lock and it is myself alone who decides whom I allow to enter it. Some rooms are unlocked and free for anyone to see and walk around in. These rooms are the only well lit places. The other darker ones, some with next to no light at all... Those rooms are under lock and key. It would require quite a special person to pick those locks, or pull the keys from my hands. (I realise that this sounds very Lecter-esque)
If anyone else was to stroll around this mansion it would seem like a confused and jumbled maze. However if I need to look at anything or remind myself of times past, I can walk to a room and pick out what is needed.
I wonder how other people see their mind? Is it a well lit palace? A room? A small house etc.
I suppose some others who lack depth and intellect would see their minds as mere meat, flesh, matter.
As I am a thinker, a philosopher, I see my mind as a place of sanctity and escape from the world around me, it can take me to the most beautiful and peaceful places, the most exciting places filled with wonderful people, foods and music. On the other hand... it can take me to dark and dangerous places, sometimes forcefully drag me to these awfully hideous places.
The mind, like any living organism, needs nourishment. One should be careful of what it provides for one's mind. If you feed it badly it will not grow correctly, if you neglect it by feeding it rubbish, it (again) will not grow correctly. I am not saying by any means that by watching, reading, listening etc to awful things is bad, that would make me a hypocrite (and I shall be labeled as no such thing) because I enjoy Horror. However, there is a limit - moderation and if you feed it something not entirely wholesome you should then feed it something wholesome. Also - just as society has drinking, smoking etc. ages - so should the mind. I was not allowed to see or hear anything harmful until I was old enough to cope - I am now able to make my own decisions and sometimes that results in not doing something I think would be fun at the time - I am better off not.
The mind, if used correctly, can be a powerful and beautiful tool, capable of splendorous things. However, if abused, it can be capable of great injustice and evil.
I like to think of my mind as great and wondrous, however highlights the darkness of the world and other minds through the ideas I write.
Just some food for thought.
It occurs to me that my mind is different to everyone else's.
Everyone has their own image of what their mind is like.
Mine is like a dimly lit mansion, perfectly neat, many, many rooms. Each room has either a different set of thoughts and ideas where as others are filled with memories and fantasies. Each room has a lock and it is myself alone who decides whom I allow to enter it. Some rooms are unlocked and free for anyone to see and walk around in. These rooms are the only well lit places. The other darker ones, some with next to no light at all... Those rooms are under lock and key. It would require quite a special person to pick those locks, or pull the keys from my hands. (I realise that this sounds very Lecter-esque)
If anyone else was to stroll around this mansion it would seem like a confused and jumbled maze. However if I need to look at anything or remind myself of times past, I can walk to a room and pick out what is needed.
I wonder how other people see their mind? Is it a well lit palace? A room? A small house etc.
I suppose some others who lack depth and intellect would see their minds as mere meat, flesh, matter.
As I am a thinker, a philosopher, I see my mind as a place of sanctity and escape from the world around me, it can take me to the most beautiful and peaceful places, the most exciting places filled with wonderful people, foods and music. On the other hand... it can take me to dark and dangerous places, sometimes forcefully drag me to these awfully hideous places.
The mind, like any living organism, needs nourishment. One should be careful of what it provides for one's mind. If you feed it badly it will not grow correctly, if you neglect it by feeding it rubbish, it (again) will not grow correctly. I am not saying by any means that by watching, reading, listening etc to awful things is bad, that would make me a hypocrite (and I shall be labeled as no such thing) because I enjoy Horror. However, there is a limit - moderation and if you feed it something not entirely wholesome you should then feed it something wholesome. Also - just as society has drinking, smoking etc. ages - so should the mind. I was not allowed to see or hear anything harmful until I was old enough to cope - I am now able to make my own decisions and sometimes that results in not doing something I think would be fun at the time - I am better off not.
The mind, if used correctly, can be a powerful and beautiful tool, capable of splendorous things. However, if abused, it can be capable of great injustice and evil.
I like to think of my mind as great and wondrous, however highlights the darkness of the world and other minds through the ideas I write.
Just some food for thought.
Thursday 17 February 2011
Pictures of my soul.
A long time ago, something like 3 years now, a friend of mine asked to take pictures of me and two other friends dressed as clowns. One side of my face was painted perfectly. The other was smudged.
I was afraid of clowns you see.
Yet looking back on the pictures, I feel like that camera saw into the very fabric of my soul.
I paint my face every day, yet behind it my thoughts and emotions are smudged and broken.
I represent fear through how I write, the horror that fills the pages beneath my fingertips are those that should be concealed away from the world, but it showed through my face.
I am just another painted face in the sea of humanity, perfect, until you look closer; Then you see only one side is perfect, the other is... dark... wiped clean... yet still remains stained.
I was afraid of clowns you see.
Yet looking back on the pictures, I feel like that camera saw into the very fabric of my soul.
I paint my face every day, yet behind it my thoughts and emotions are smudged and broken.
I represent fear through how I write, the horror that fills the pages beneath my fingertips are those that should be concealed away from the world, but it showed through my face.
I am just another painted face in the sea of humanity, perfect, until you look closer; Then you see only one side is perfect, the other is... dark... wiped clean... yet still remains stained.
Bad days.
So... Bad days. They happen to us all - correct?
Today I had one thing go wrong straight after another.
As usual I kept on going. Not one to complain, unless I'm ill, but I kept on.
There is nothing more satisfying than a job done thoroughly, unless you happen to have someone on your back the entire time.
My writing desk has been a little lonely in recent days. I feel I am neglecting it a tad.
Unfortunately some things just get pushed to the side.
It's called prioritizing. But no matter how much we hate to, we have to. It's a social norm. What comes first?
Work. For most. It's awful because it really SHOULD be family, but it's not.
Next?
Family? For me, yes. That includes 2 very close friends who practically live at my house and my boyfriend.
What about 3rd? Pleasurable activities? - Take that which ever way you must. For me (along with other things) is my writing.
Through all the work and stress and family related rubbish - I'm going to lock myself away in a dimly lighted room and find time tonight for me and my pages.
I suggest you all do the same. Find time for you.
Especially if you have a bad day. We all have them, make yours turn into a good day.
So end tonight on a pleasant note.
Today I had one thing go wrong straight after another.
As usual I kept on going. Not one to complain, unless I'm ill, but I kept on.
There is nothing more satisfying than a job done thoroughly, unless you happen to have someone on your back the entire time.
My writing desk has been a little lonely in recent days. I feel I am neglecting it a tad.
Unfortunately some things just get pushed to the side.
It's called prioritizing. But no matter how much we hate to, we have to. It's a social norm. What comes first?
Work. For most. It's awful because it really SHOULD be family, but it's not.
Next?
Family? For me, yes. That includes 2 very close friends who practically live at my house and my boyfriend.
What about 3rd? Pleasurable activities? - Take that which ever way you must. For me (along with other things) is my writing.
Through all the work and stress and family related rubbish - I'm going to lock myself away in a dimly lighted room and find time tonight for me and my pages.
I suggest you all do the same. Find time for you.
Especially if you have a bad day. We all have them, make yours turn into a good day.
So end tonight on a pleasant note.
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Illness
Illness is a bastard isn't it?
Here I am with;
I'm now running on empty. I have come down with a Throat Infection and cannot do anything. I'm missing rehearsals and precious revision time thanks to being ill.
Why does that always happen? When you're in the thick of multiple tasks (and important ones at that!) you fall ill.
Despite desperately avoiding people with illness' alas I caught one.
So, while I muster the energy to write this blog I shall close with this - Screw you illness. Screw you and your whole operation.
Here I am with;
- Two 3500 word essays to complete.
- Two 1500 word essays to complete.
- A 500 word W.P.C or Written Performance Concept to complete.
- A whole 3 minute screen play/script and film to complete.
- 6 DIFFERENT shows in the space of a month and a half - I am a main character in all of them.
- A portfolio for my University course to assemble.
- Accommodation to organize.
- Funding and loans to organize.
I'm now running on empty. I have come down with a Throat Infection and cannot do anything. I'm missing rehearsals and precious revision time thanks to being ill.
Why does that always happen? When you're in the thick of multiple tasks (and important ones at that!) you fall ill.
Despite desperately avoiding people with illness' alas I caught one.
So, while I muster the energy to write this blog I shall close with this - Screw you illness. Screw you and your whole operation.
Monday 14 February 2011
Killing in the name of...?
I've been thinking for a while now about what I'd do if an organization like the "Elite Hunting Club" from Hostel and Hostel pt.2 existed and I had the means to pay... Would I? And if I could pay to choose who I killed... Say for instance someone I know?
It made me question what kind of person I am.
I find this a difficult question to answer as my immediate reaction is "YES" however what would I do and how would I do it?
Having a human being bound and defenseless there for me to slaughter and walk away - even if I absolutely despised the person, could I do it? Or would it be easier if it was someone I didn't know at all? No emotional connection what so ever? Or would the hate be enough to drive me to murder?
There is something deep inside every human that would make them kill. A trigger if you will. Every single human being will kill if they're pushed to their boundary. Everyone's boundary is different and unique to them; Some people's are a much smaller trigger and easily set off, others are far fetched and moral.
But... If you were in that room, complete power over another human being's life, total legal immunity... Totally 100% sure you could walk away free.
I think a question that defines us all is this;
WOULD YOU?
It made me question what kind of person I am.
I find this a difficult question to answer as my immediate reaction is "YES" however what would I do and how would I do it?
Having a human being bound and defenseless there for me to slaughter and walk away - even if I absolutely despised the person, could I do it? Or would it be easier if it was someone I didn't know at all? No emotional connection what so ever? Or would the hate be enough to drive me to murder?
There is something deep inside every human that would make them kill. A trigger if you will. Every single human being will kill if they're pushed to their boundary. Everyone's boundary is different and unique to them; Some people's are a much smaller trigger and easily set off, others are far fetched and moral.
But... If you were in that room, complete power over another human being's life, total legal immunity... Totally 100% sure you could walk away free.
I think a question that defines us all is this;
WOULD YOU?
It's in your house under your bed... waiting...
So what frightens you the most?
Is it monsters, Aliens, Serial Killers, Mutated humans, Virus outbreak, Groups of organized killers, Clowns? This is the question that perplexes me on a daily basis. Sharp teeth, Dead eyes, long nails, skin falling off? What is the scariest thing you can think of?
For me it's things (once human) that show absolutely no sign of intelligence. Something you cannot communicate nay REASON with, that has no other instinct than to kill on sight. Something that lurks in the darkness. So I think it's safe to say I'm more afraid of things like "Zombies", mutated Rabies infected humans that can come back from the dead or something human like (REC and Quarantine, 28 Days/Weeks Later and the Decent)
Even though I'm actually not "Afraid" as such these are the things in horror that get me a little bit.
Serial Killers, monsters and aliens are just funny (Fictional serial killers - I don't wish to upset anyone) But for some reason I find one of the oldest "Daddys" of horror creepy. It just goes to show - even somebody as de-sensitised to horror and violence can be (only the smallest bit) creep-ed out by something!
Now there has got to be something that plays with you in horror - just one thing?
What's yours?
Is it monsters, Aliens, Serial Killers, Mutated humans, Virus outbreak, Groups of organized killers, Clowns? This is the question that perplexes me on a daily basis. Sharp teeth, Dead eyes, long nails, skin falling off? What is the scariest thing you can think of?
For me it's things (once human) that show absolutely no sign of intelligence. Something you cannot communicate nay REASON with, that has no other instinct than to kill on sight. Something that lurks in the darkness. So I think it's safe to say I'm more afraid of things like "Zombies", mutated Rabies infected humans that can come back from the dead or something human like (REC and Quarantine, 28 Days/Weeks Later and the Decent)
Even though I'm actually not "Afraid" as such these are the things in horror that get me a little bit.
Serial Killers, monsters and aliens are just funny (Fictional serial killers - I don't wish to upset anyone) But for some reason I find one of the oldest "Daddys" of horror creepy. It just goes to show - even somebody as de-sensitised to horror and violence can be (only the smallest bit) creep-ed out by something!
Now there has got to be something that plays with you in horror - just one thing?
What's yours?
Yehaw
Well hello boys and girls. Today I am going to talk to you about; HILL BILLY DANGER.
So lets look at the most common mistakes made in these slack jawed ho-cum tales of cannibalism and incest.
So lets look at the most common mistakes made in these slack jawed ho-cum tales of cannibalism and incest.
- Take a small moment to evaluate the amount of petrol "Gas" you have in your car.
- If you find yourselves with two choices - here's a hint - DO NOT TAKE THE DELAPADATED DIRT ROAD
- If you happen to have ignored the first 2 peices of advice; Stay together - No splitting up to look for help or worse... A telephone!
- If you decided to split up (no suprise there) then you need to stay in the grouping formation. If someone dies do not try and save them, get the hell outta there!
- Play it safe - if you have someone who screams alot - GAG THEM - You don't need more attention than you already have.
- If you stumble across a house - Leave it alone e.g. DON'T GO IN! Hill billys are actually quite private and don't like you messing around with their stuff - oh and also guys it's called breaking and entering if you get caught (:
- Ok lets say you've gone in - you know darn well those Slack Jawed Yocals are going to come home pretty soon - Identify possible escape routes.
- Perhaps you've now discovered the Brandene and Cletus' secret? Umm MOVE! Stop screaming and GO!
- You manage to stick around long enough for the local folk to come back to home sweet home. Well now you hide! If you've hidden, hide somewhere that seems less obvious than in a closet. Under a bed perhaps with a decomposing corpse?
- You sneek out when they fall asleep - here's a tip - BE QUIET AND SHUT THE SQUEELER UP - unless you were smart enough to gag her before?
- Someone made a noise (No prizes for guessing who) Now you run, this is the only time it is acceptable to split up. If you're in an icolated group running, you're easy pray. They have to pick one and go for it. Pray it's not you!
- Some more of your friends die and you're left alone in hill billy hell. Keep your head down. If you stumble upon a feild of diused cars, trucks, camper vans etc, then make sure you hide untill late at night when all those sub human iliterate cannibals are safely snoozing in bed (Awww) Don't go back for someone who is only part concious - let 'em die I say! Save your own skin (Literally!)
- So you ignored yet another piece of good advice - time for the final show down. I recomend a good explosive or something that can mash those corn dog-diddly-ogs to hell!
- Having used a knife or a shot gun - time to re-think they are stronger than most and have killing tactics perfected - push the fool into a grinder! Always a good idea.
- Having saved the girl and nearly killed yourself in the process - it's time to ride off into the sunset (If you're not dead already) and heal your wounds. Ohh and next time... Take a plane
TTFN good horror chums.
Rules to a horror film
So again I was pondering the various attributes films of the horror genre carry and one film seemed to list the key RULES. I am of course talking about SCREAM. I mean, who doesn't just love David Arquette' s hokey acting? Brilliant. But for all of us horror connoisseurs what are the key elements to a good horror? So I think it's time for my top 10!
1. A good cast.
2. A good script.
3. A memorable killer/killers/substance/monster or beast.
4. A painful kill that makes you go "Oooooouch!"
5. A hot girl or guy (always a must).
6. Realisum! We don't want to see the wires guys!
7. Continuity! There have been many mistakes in this area that take us completely out of the moment. Saw 3, Nightmare on Elm St. and SCREAM to name a few.
8. Not too many sequels! Unless it carries on a good (entertaining) plot, then let is die already!
9. Unusual camera and editing - something that has a bit of WOW to it. Like Midnight meat train - Camera and editing beautifully done.
10. ORIGINALITY! No over done re-makes PLEASE! Some classic horror's have been so over made I loose count! Leave them to be remembered in dignity!
So I leave you with this; What's the most annoying horror mis-hap you care to mention?2. A good script.
3. A memorable killer/killers/substance/monster or beast.
4. A painful kill that makes you go "Oooooouch!"
5. A hot girl or guy (always a must).
6. Realisum! We don't want to see the wires guys!
7. Continuity! There have been many mistakes in this area that take us completely out of the moment. Saw 3, Nightmare on Elm St. and SCREAM to name a few.
8. Not too many sequels! Unless it carries on a good (entertaining) plot, then let is die already!
9. Unusual camera and editing - something that has a bit of WOW to it. Like Midnight meat train - Camera and editing beautifully done.
10. ORIGINALITY! No over done re-makes PLEASE! Some classic horror's have been so over made I loose count! Leave them to be remembered in dignity!
Welcome to 10 or 15 minutes of total tosh. Enjoy.
Ok, so here I am. Making my debut BLOG.
I'll post some mock blogs I made shortly after this one - but first a little introduction is necessary.
I am not an overly interesting person. I am a philosopher, I am interested in the very fabric of human nature and have a fairly mundane view of life, the universe and everything.
However... I also like having a good time and I'm a smart arse.
So, from this point on - if you intend to keep reading - welcome to wasting precious moments of your life on reading my blather.
My name is Seraphina, and I'm a recovering piss artist.
I'll post some mock blogs I made shortly after this one - but first a little introduction is necessary.
- I'm 18 years old.
- I'm British.
- Have just confirmed my place at University.
- I am a Writer and Director in the making.
- I wish to work both in Theater and Film.
- My main love and passion is Horror films. (No not your run of the mill screaming woman being slashed etc. I like smart horrors. Although, having said that, I do hold love in my heart for Hostel I & II along with the SAW franchise.)
I am not an overly interesting person. I am a philosopher, I am interested in the very fabric of human nature and have a fairly mundane view of life, the universe and everything.
However... I also like having a good time and I'm a smart arse.
So, from this point on - if you intend to keep reading - welcome to wasting precious moments of your life on reading my blather.
My name is Seraphina, and I'm a recovering piss artist.
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