The L word

So I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months on Friday. It doesn't seem like a long time right? Hmm, well it felt like it to me. I know it was me that ended it but...

My feelings are just all over the place. Music doesn't help, looking on his Facebook and knowing he's looking at mine doesn't help. The fact that it was a long distance relationship helps a little.

But the worst thing is knowing you both still love each other but there's barriers you cannot move past, things that would never change. There's things between us that will always remain ingrained in my memories, but sometimes it's better to let things go? I don't know...

There are so many questions and pleading to make the pain stop won't work. There is no quick, simple fix. It's permanent anguish and lonely feelings, memories cropping up when you don't want them to, even just little words that remind you.
I have no illusions of what's next or any quick remedies. 
The truth is love hurts. There's no quick cure, no instant redemption. It's a rough journey, but I hold out hope that it's worth staying the course. If it's out there, I'll find it.

Meanwhile it's sad angry songs, tears being held back through the good times and smiling even though I'm dying inside. All for the cause of saying "We're still friends because I just can't have you out of my life." Because this can work right... Right?

Instant changes

Isn't it amazing how one event, one minute... One second can change months of belief?
That happened to me recently and no matter how hard I try; I cannot shake away the after thoughts.
The human mind is an amazing playground of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. But once an event has happened, no matter what fantasy you choose to cover up the pain or the realization - it just doesn't work.

So if you try and fail does it matter? Is your mind strong enough to over power the emotions evoked by a moment? Can one truely ever completely push something out of their mind?

The answer is; No. By nature human beings are dwellers. We are made what and who we are by the small moments that change our perspective.
Some examples;
Someone who knocks over a child because they were speeding - by that one moment - even if the child survives - they are altered forever.
Or a married couple - one spouse cheats - the other finds out - they (even if they move passed it) are also changed forever.
A young couple - together for a few months - they break up - for knowing that person, sharing small moments, then the sudden loss of something they believed in - they too are changed forever.

Life is full of small moments that have the ability to change the very foundations of who we are.
But what should we label them as? Mistakes? Misgivings?

No. They are learning curves that bend and curve our paths on the road to a better understanding of ourselves. Life is not a judgment passed - it is a lesson learned.