Good evening.
I'm starting University in three days. I am excited but still need to find a more permanent accommodation.
Aside from that hiccup I am raring to go!
The thought of meeting like-minded interesting people who will be studying the same as me makes me happy beyond belief!
Anyway, just an update.
I'll be back soon.
Wednesday 7 September 2011
Tuesday 19 April 2011
The L word
So I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months on Friday. It doesn't seem like a long time right? Hmm, well it felt like it to me. I know it was me that ended it but...
My feelings are just all over the place. Music doesn't help, looking on his Facebook and knowing he's looking at mine doesn't help. The fact that it was a long distance relationship helps a little.
But the worst thing is knowing you both still love each other but there's barriers you cannot move past, things that would never change. There's things between us that will always remain ingrained in my memories, but sometimes it's better to let things go? I don't know...
There are so many questions and pleading to make the pain stop won't work. There is no quick, simple fix. It's permanent anguish and lonely feelings, memories cropping up when you don't want them to, even just little words that remind you.
I have no illusions of what's next or any quick remedies.
The truth is love hurts. There's no quick cure, no instant redemption. It's a rough journey, but I hold out hope that it's worth staying the course. If it's out there, I'll find it.
Meanwhile it's sad angry songs, tears being held back through the good times and smiling even though I'm dying inside. All for the cause of saying "We're still friends because I just can't have you out of my life." Because this can work right... Right?
My feelings are just all over the place. Music doesn't help, looking on his Facebook and knowing he's looking at mine doesn't help. The fact that it was a long distance relationship helps a little.
But the worst thing is knowing you both still love each other but there's barriers you cannot move past, things that would never change. There's things between us that will always remain ingrained in my memories, but sometimes it's better to let things go? I don't know...
There are so many questions and pleading to make the pain stop won't work. There is no quick, simple fix. It's permanent anguish and lonely feelings, memories cropping up when you don't want them to, even just little words that remind you.
I have no illusions of what's next or any quick remedies.
The truth is love hurts. There's no quick cure, no instant redemption. It's a rough journey, but I hold out hope that it's worth staying the course. If it's out there, I'll find it.
Meanwhile it's sad angry songs, tears being held back through the good times and smiling even though I'm dying inside. All for the cause of saying "We're still friends because I just can't have you out of my life." Because this can work right... Right?
Monday 11 April 2011
Instant changes
Isn't it amazing how one event, one minute... One second can change months of belief?
That happened to me recently and no matter how hard I try; I cannot shake away the after thoughts.
The human mind is an amazing playground of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. But once an event has happened, no matter what fantasy you choose to cover up the pain or the realization - it just doesn't work.
So if you try and fail does it matter? Is your mind strong enough to over power the emotions evoked by a moment? Can one truely ever completely push something out of their mind?
The answer is; No. By nature human beings are dwellers. We are made what and who we are by the small moments that change our perspective.
Some examples;
Someone who knocks over a child because they were speeding - by that one moment - even if the child survives - they are altered forever.
Or a married couple - one spouse cheats - the other finds out - they (even if they move passed it) are also changed forever.
A young couple - together for a few months - they break up - for knowing that person, sharing small moments, then the sudden loss of something they believed in - they too are changed forever.
Life is full of small moments that have the ability to change the very foundations of who we are.
But what should we label them as? Mistakes? Misgivings?
No. They are learning curves that bend and curve our paths on the road to a better understanding of ourselves. Life is not a judgment passed - it is a lesson learned.
That happened to me recently and no matter how hard I try; I cannot shake away the after thoughts.
The human mind is an amazing playground of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. But once an event has happened, no matter what fantasy you choose to cover up the pain or the realization - it just doesn't work.
So if you try and fail does it matter? Is your mind strong enough to over power the emotions evoked by a moment? Can one truely ever completely push something out of their mind?
The answer is; No. By nature human beings are dwellers. We are made what and who we are by the small moments that change our perspective.
Some examples;
Someone who knocks over a child because they were speeding - by that one moment - even if the child survives - they are altered forever.
Or a married couple - one spouse cheats - the other finds out - they (even if they move passed it) are also changed forever.
A young couple - together for a few months - they break up - for knowing that person, sharing small moments, then the sudden loss of something they believed in - they too are changed forever.
Life is full of small moments that have the ability to change the very foundations of who we are.
But what should we label them as? Mistakes? Misgivings?
No. They are learning curves that bend and curve our paths on the road to a better understanding of ourselves. Life is not a judgment passed - it is a lesson learned.
Monday 21 March 2011
Boredom
Having spent the best part of this afternoon and evening in the company of multiple books and papers retaining to the subject of Bertold Brecht and Epic Theater and the shining glory of my MacBook - I am now bored.
With my writing well underway once more and my usual routine slowly blurring back into formation - I feel more of a sense of order returning to my world along with boredom.
I also feel the agony of my soul beginning to disrupt this peaceful existence and only a week after the show has finished!
Life is once again dull.
What to do, what to do... Perhaps cut off an ear? Blah too 1800's and not as entertaining as it may first appear.
Now having exhausted all possibilities I shall retreat onto the dark streets of a sleepy little English 'burb for an 1 am early morning run.
Farley well... For now...
With my writing well underway once more and my usual routine slowly blurring back into formation - I feel more of a sense of order returning to my world along with boredom.
I also feel the agony of my soul beginning to disrupt this peaceful existence and only a week after the show has finished!
Life is once again dull.
What to do, what to do... Perhaps cut off an ear? Blah too 1800's and not as entertaining as it may first appear.
Now having exhausted all possibilities I shall retreat onto the dark streets of a sleepy little English 'burb for an 1 am early morning run.
Farley well... For now...
Sunday 6 March 2011
The Fabiric of the Mind
So I'm in bed right now, typing away.
It occurs to me that my mind is different to everyone else's.
Everyone has their own image of what their mind is like.
Mine is like a dimly lit mansion, perfectly neat, many, many rooms. Each room has either a different set of thoughts and ideas where as others are filled with memories and fantasies. Each room has a lock and it is myself alone who decides whom I allow to enter it. Some rooms are unlocked and free for anyone to see and walk around in. These rooms are the only well lit places. The other darker ones, some with next to no light at all... Those rooms are under lock and key. It would require quite a special person to pick those locks, or pull the keys from my hands. (I realise that this sounds very Lecter-esque)
If anyone else was to stroll around this mansion it would seem like a confused and jumbled maze. However if I need to look at anything or remind myself of times past, I can walk to a room and pick out what is needed.
I wonder how other people see their mind? Is it a well lit palace? A room? A small house etc.
I suppose some others who lack depth and intellect would see their minds as mere meat, flesh, matter.
As I am a thinker, a philosopher, I see my mind as a place of sanctity and escape from the world around me, it can take me to the most beautiful and peaceful places, the most exciting places filled with wonderful people, foods and music. On the other hand... it can take me to dark and dangerous places, sometimes forcefully drag me to these awfully hideous places.
The mind, like any living organism, needs nourishment. One should be careful of what it provides for one's mind. If you feed it badly it will not grow correctly, if you neglect it by feeding it rubbish, it (again) will not grow correctly. I am not saying by any means that by watching, reading, listening etc to awful things is bad, that would make me a hypocrite (and I shall be labeled as no such thing) because I enjoy Horror. However, there is a limit - moderation and if you feed it something not entirely wholesome you should then feed it something wholesome. Also - just as society has drinking, smoking etc. ages - so should the mind. I was not allowed to see or hear anything harmful until I was old enough to cope - I am now able to make my own decisions and sometimes that results in not doing something I think would be fun at the time - I am better off not.
The mind, if used correctly, can be a powerful and beautiful tool, capable of splendorous things. However, if abused, it can be capable of great injustice and evil.
I like to think of my mind as great and wondrous, however highlights the darkness of the world and other minds through the ideas I write.
Just some food for thought.
It occurs to me that my mind is different to everyone else's.
Everyone has their own image of what their mind is like.
Mine is like a dimly lit mansion, perfectly neat, many, many rooms. Each room has either a different set of thoughts and ideas where as others are filled with memories and fantasies. Each room has a lock and it is myself alone who decides whom I allow to enter it. Some rooms are unlocked and free for anyone to see and walk around in. These rooms are the only well lit places. The other darker ones, some with next to no light at all... Those rooms are under lock and key. It would require quite a special person to pick those locks, or pull the keys from my hands. (I realise that this sounds very Lecter-esque)
If anyone else was to stroll around this mansion it would seem like a confused and jumbled maze. However if I need to look at anything or remind myself of times past, I can walk to a room and pick out what is needed.
I wonder how other people see their mind? Is it a well lit palace? A room? A small house etc.
I suppose some others who lack depth and intellect would see their minds as mere meat, flesh, matter.
As I am a thinker, a philosopher, I see my mind as a place of sanctity and escape from the world around me, it can take me to the most beautiful and peaceful places, the most exciting places filled with wonderful people, foods and music. On the other hand... it can take me to dark and dangerous places, sometimes forcefully drag me to these awfully hideous places.
The mind, like any living organism, needs nourishment. One should be careful of what it provides for one's mind. If you feed it badly it will not grow correctly, if you neglect it by feeding it rubbish, it (again) will not grow correctly. I am not saying by any means that by watching, reading, listening etc to awful things is bad, that would make me a hypocrite (and I shall be labeled as no such thing) because I enjoy Horror. However, there is a limit - moderation and if you feed it something not entirely wholesome you should then feed it something wholesome. Also - just as society has drinking, smoking etc. ages - so should the mind. I was not allowed to see or hear anything harmful until I was old enough to cope - I am now able to make my own decisions and sometimes that results in not doing something I think would be fun at the time - I am better off not.
The mind, if used correctly, can be a powerful and beautiful tool, capable of splendorous things. However, if abused, it can be capable of great injustice and evil.
I like to think of my mind as great and wondrous, however highlights the darkness of the world and other minds through the ideas I write.
Just some food for thought.
Thursday 17 February 2011
Pictures of my soul.
A long time ago, something like 3 years now, a friend of mine asked to take pictures of me and two other friends dressed as clowns. One side of my face was painted perfectly. The other was smudged.
I was afraid of clowns you see.
Yet looking back on the pictures, I feel like that camera saw into the very fabric of my soul.
I paint my face every day, yet behind it my thoughts and emotions are smudged and broken.
I represent fear through how I write, the horror that fills the pages beneath my fingertips are those that should be concealed away from the world, but it showed through my face.
I am just another painted face in the sea of humanity, perfect, until you look closer; Then you see only one side is perfect, the other is... dark... wiped clean... yet still remains stained.
I was afraid of clowns you see.
Yet looking back on the pictures, I feel like that camera saw into the very fabric of my soul.
I paint my face every day, yet behind it my thoughts and emotions are smudged and broken.
I represent fear through how I write, the horror that fills the pages beneath my fingertips are those that should be concealed away from the world, but it showed through my face.
I am just another painted face in the sea of humanity, perfect, until you look closer; Then you see only one side is perfect, the other is... dark... wiped clean... yet still remains stained.
Bad days.
So... Bad days. They happen to us all - correct?
Today I had one thing go wrong straight after another.
As usual I kept on going. Not one to complain, unless I'm ill, but I kept on.
There is nothing more satisfying than a job done thoroughly, unless you happen to have someone on your back the entire time.
My writing desk has been a little lonely in recent days. I feel I am neglecting it a tad.
Unfortunately some things just get pushed to the side.
It's called prioritizing. But no matter how much we hate to, we have to. It's a social norm. What comes first?
Work. For most. It's awful because it really SHOULD be family, but it's not.
Next?
Family? For me, yes. That includes 2 very close friends who practically live at my house and my boyfriend.
What about 3rd? Pleasurable activities? - Take that which ever way you must. For me (along with other things) is my writing.
Through all the work and stress and family related rubbish - I'm going to lock myself away in a dimly lighted room and find time tonight for me and my pages.
I suggest you all do the same. Find time for you.
Especially if you have a bad day. We all have them, make yours turn into a good day.
So end tonight on a pleasant note.
Today I had one thing go wrong straight after another.
As usual I kept on going. Not one to complain, unless I'm ill, but I kept on.
There is nothing more satisfying than a job done thoroughly, unless you happen to have someone on your back the entire time.
My writing desk has been a little lonely in recent days. I feel I am neglecting it a tad.
Unfortunately some things just get pushed to the side.
It's called prioritizing. But no matter how much we hate to, we have to. It's a social norm. What comes first?
Work. For most. It's awful because it really SHOULD be family, but it's not.
Next?
Family? For me, yes. That includes 2 very close friends who practically live at my house and my boyfriend.
What about 3rd? Pleasurable activities? - Take that which ever way you must. For me (along with other things) is my writing.
Through all the work and stress and family related rubbish - I'm going to lock myself away in a dimly lighted room and find time tonight for me and my pages.
I suggest you all do the same. Find time for you.
Especially if you have a bad day. We all have them, make yours turn into a good day.
So end tonight on a pleasant note.
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